Bar Room Jokes

Clitoris Like Mellon

At a gynecologists convention Dr. Goldfinger began to read his paper on "The Variation of the Clitoris".

"One of the most unusual cases I ever came across," he told his audience, "was a clitoris that had a close resemblance to a watermelon."

Dr. Goldfinger was interrupted by another doctor, who said that he might have been examining an enlarged organ but to compare it to a watermelon would indeed be frivolous.

Goldfinger stared him down and replied: "I wasn't referring to size but to taste."




Pamela Anderson

What's the best way to catch Pamela Anderson in the woods?

Use a booby trap!




A Hole Behind

A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at the Motel in town, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting.

He asked the clerk where the nearest golf course was and was given directions on how to get there.

While playing on the front nine, he was going over the speech in his mind and became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a Lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and told her about his big meeting and the speech he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course, asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened. and he approached her again with the same request.

She said "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, So you must be on the 13th."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the Lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the Lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady, well I am in sales also. What do you sell"?

She replied, "if I told you, you would only laugh." "No I wouldn't", he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.

"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampax."

With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said "see I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"




Animal Orgasms

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her,

"Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Why don't you prove it."

He frowns for a moment, then says, "Okay."

He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About a half an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always squealing, how can you tell?"



Smoking in the Rain

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom.

Lady 1: Where'd you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbled into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a package of condoms.

The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she was, after all, in her 80s), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.




Elephant and the man

What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breath through something so small?"




Playing around

One day, this guy who had been stranded on a desert island all alone for 10 years sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

'It's certainly not a ship,' he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer
and closer, he begins to rule out the possibility of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly emerging from the surf walking towards him comes
this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and asks,
'How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?'

'Ten years,' he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left
sleeve and pulls out a packet of fresh cigarettes. He takes a long drag and says,
'Man oh man. Is that ever good.'

She then asks him,
'How long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?'

Trembling, he replies,
'Ten years.'

She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says,
'Wow, that's absolutely fantastic.'

Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wetsuit, looks at him seductively and asks,
'And how long has it been since you've played around?'

The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies,
'Oh my God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!'



Enjoy people! :))